Venting

I really wish that everyone around me could just really get what I am going through and how I really feel. For a week now I have had this enormous headache. All I want to do is stay in my bed and sleep all day long. I have my bedroom set up to stay dark all the time. In fact today I didn't come out of my bedroom until after 3 pm(except to go to the bathroom). I wish I could sleep all day but I can't, why because I very rarely sleep. I took my ambien at 9 pm last night but didn't doze off until after 4 this morning. I didn't sleep all that long, by 5 I was up with leg cramps, then back up by 6 to walk around a little, this kept on happening up until 8 until I finally gave up. But no one around here seems to get it.

My sister, who never takes care of herself has been sick because she went outside without shoes and got a cut on her foot, and now may have to have it amputated. So she is on 24 hour IV antibiotics to get rid of the blood/bone infection. Nobody questions it if she lives in bed all the time, but let me stay in bed and no one lets me get any rest. I still have to run for my boys and for her family. If she needs something they all expect me to just jump and help out. But when I need something no one is every there for me. Of course why should they you can't see what is wrong with me....It's all in my head!

Then there is my boyfriend who thinks if I am sick he can call in a few hours and all of a sudden I should be perfectly fine. He will never get how much pain I am in, or how I feel. I know it's mean but for one day I wish they could all go through what I do, feel all my pain, then have to work, run errands, cook, and clean. Then maybe they would all understand that sometimes I need a break and I actually need help. I don't think that I should have to say what's going on it should just be understood. I shouldn't have to ask for help they should just be there for me.

My bf says well I know when you really feel bad because that's when you complain. But when I do complain him and everyone else around me just seem to ignore me, so why the hell should I say anything. I don't have a choice to work, cook, clean, and everything else, if I didn't it wouldn't get done.

I am really going crazy right now just thinking about what's going to happen by June. My youngest turns 18, by that happening I will lose 1/2 of my income. He is on SSI due to his medical condition and his child support will go away. He will be going off to college so he will need all the money he can get. I would go get a second job if I think my body could handle it. I am hoping to have surgery in June, then maybe after recovering I can go out and get that second job to live off of it. I work my ass off and it has gotten me any where. My sister and her husband can live off the system(she gets SSI, her son gets SSI for autism, and they get foodstamps) and they live well.

I guess I am done complaining for now.

Feeling Crappy

I know I haven't been on here at all in a while. I guess I just didn't want to keep boring people with all of my complaints. I realize that no one really wants to hear about my aches and pains on a daily basis, no matter even though I am asked how I feel. That's one thing I have never understood, why would you ask someone how they feel, then ignore what they say, or act like they are overreacting. This is the reason when someone ask how I feel, I say I am fine.

The last two days I have had a major headache that has caused me to be very nauseous and in tears. But, I still have to go on and get things done, like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, when I would rather just stay in bed all day in a very dark room. I don't do it because people around me, for one, doesn't seem to care when I am not feeling well,  two, don't want to hear how I actually feel, or three, don't believe me.

Another thing is, I have been having more problems with my eye sight. My eyes have been getting tired very quickly. They get very blurry, so it's harder for me to stare at anything for long.

I am hoping that surgery will make all of this better for me. Lately I have been seriously thinking about taking the time off work to go ahead with surgery because my headaches are getting worse on a daily basis. My only problem is that I probably wouldn't have anyone to take me to the hospital or bring me home.

This month I haven't done any form of working out and my eating habits have been horrible. I am going to get back on a good workout program and back to healthier eating habits. Thank goodness I haven't gained any more weight, I am not sure how that's happened, but I am happy about it.

It's Been a While

 I know it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted. After the last time I posted I got some sort of stomach bug. I threw up for 3 days and felt sick for another 2.

 Last Monday I finally saw a neurosurgeon, Dr. Ciricillo. He has been the first doctor to believe everything I said. He wants to do a brain decompression. Here is a little info on that. A posterior fossa decompression is a surgical procedure performed to remove the bone at the back of the skull and spine. The dura overlying the tonsils is opened and a patch is sewn to expand the space, similar to letting out the waistband on a pair of pants. The goals of surgery are to stop or control the progression of symptoms caused by tonsillar herniation, to relieve compression of the brainstem and spinal cord, and to restore the normal flow of cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). The surgery takes about 2 to 3 hours and recovery in the hospital usually lasts 2 to 4 days. 
Except he is only doing the first part of the surgery. He doesn't feel I need the dura patch done. This will be a 4 to 8 week recovery. He feels this will help with my headaches, pain, tingling, and numbness. He also said my lack of weight loss could be caused by my chiari too. He thinks that should improve after surgery too. I have decided to wait until June to have this done. That way I will be off work for the summer and have a full 2 months before worrying about returning to work.

 I have been exercising. This month at work the focus for PE is aerobics. Last week we did 20 to 30 minutes of Sweating to the Oldies. I worked out along with the 5th grade classroom I work in. I am trying to get my student to participate but so far I haven't been successful.

 I still weigh the same. I seem to be at a stand still with weight loss. I am trying very hard though. I am hoping that the aerobics jump start my weight loss.

Day 2

Even though the first day seemed way to easy, I woke up with very sore legs and arms. Today I decided I needed to change up the challenge somewhat. My bladder cannot handle jumping jacks, so instead I ran in place, and for the push ups I am doing wall push ups.

I am getting more nervous about seeing the neurosurgeon in just a few weeks. I am afraid he's going to say he can't help me at all. But then there is the part of me that is so worn out, tired of pain, and sick of feeling sick and tired and can't wait to go see him.

I have had a constant migraine for the last week and 1/2 now. I just want someone to help me get rid of it and the insomnia I have.

New Challenge Day 1

It has been a very long stressful week. I wasn't sure if I actually was up to this challenge. I haven't been able to get rid of this horrible headache, neck, shoulder, hip pain. I haven't had any motivation and between home and work I am totally exhausted.

I have also been very rude lately. I am not sure if it's due to all the pain or if it's the lack of sleep. So when someone said I was just an overpaid babysitter, they didn't like my response. But any way....

Here is my new challenge, day 1 done!

No Motivation

 Lately I haven't had any motivation to get me started. On top of that I have been dealing with a horrible headache that has lasted now for about a week. Today it has gotten much worse to the point I am nauseated. While at my sister's house for dinner, I reached over and turned off Jake's phone, that was playing loud music. I probably pissed off a few people because they were all enjoying the music, but I just couldn't take it any more.

 I have found a new challenge that I will be starting hopefully tomorrow. I need to get back into this. I don't plan on getting on my bike for a while. I have had this horrible pain in my hip for the last 3 days. It hurts to walk.

Been Busy

I know it's been about 3 weeks since I posted. I am sorry I haven't posted but I have not only been busy but just not feeling like blogging. Since the last time I posted I had a very busy week. Jake is in FFA and raising a steer so last week was time to take it to fair: for weigh in, market show(which he won 2nd in this), showmanship, and auction. This started Tuesday and didn't end until Sunday. So, it was off to work by 7:15 am, after work it was up to the fair grounds, then not home until around 10:00 pm or later. I was totally exhausted!  Then the next week Henry was here and I hadn't seen him for over a month. I wasn't on the computer much at all.

I have been weighing in but nothing has changed. I am actually very surprised about that because I haven't been doing anything to help it out. I haven't exercised at all in 2 1/2 weeks, but I haven't gained a pound. I even put on some of my jeans last week and they weren't tight any more, they are actually a bit loose.

I plan on getting back on the "horse" next week.

I have had some days of not eating great. Like today I had a bad day at work, came home to my son doing something he shouldn't be at my house, then it was off to put gas in my car. While doing that I had a very rude man come up to and say some very inappropriate things. One of them hurt me so much. He said no man would want me do to my looks and my size. This shouldn't have really bothered me because I have been dating the same person for 3 years now, but it did. So I went to the store and bought a doughnut. I found myself yet again eating all my feelings. It is one thing that has been the hardest thing to change.

I have an official appointment with my neurosurgeon on November 4th. I can't say I have ever been scared and excited all at the same time in a long time.